I don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life!

I don't even know if I want to do massage anymore!!! 

Maybe I just want to not live on a mountain and ride a beach cruiser and work in an old used bookstore and do Bikram yoga everyday and eat Greek food and fancy cheeses and shop at whole foods and dye my hair blonde and write letters and plant my own garden and change my name to Pauline. 

Maybe. 

Identity crisis. 

I write crazy things between sleep.

I just found this in the recent notes on my phone. I wish I could remember writing this ;)

A night of useless pillows and rain at the window. Neil Diamond wafting in and out of my dreams. I nestle beneath the down comforter and pray for the ceasing of the odd birds call. Will we swim tomorrow?

I can do anything right now.
I can stay in Florida the rest of the month, the rest of the summer, the year...I can go home whenever I want.
But then what? THEN what?! What about NOW???
I could just live here. I could get a job doing whatever I want and just live here.
I can do whatever I want!!!! 
I could move to New York! I could live with one of my most beloved cousins in a city I've never seen before!
Or I can go home and resume my old comfortable life.
Do I want to settle into my former ways again? Do I want to be comfortable? How do I feel about repetition? How do I feel about the securely structured freedom I once had? How do I feel about intense excellerated growth of character?
Can I have all the things I want wherever I decide to be? Does location even matter?

I miss my cat. 

My first nephew was born today!
And he is the most precious boy baby on the planet!
TINY!
I chose the right country to be in this week!

(Newborns look like miniature grandfathers. I think it's normal.)

It blows my mind that I could & still can think of endless reasons why this trip was so wrong for me.
*gasp*
I had put so much prayer and preparation into this adventure!
And then it felt like anything but an adventure to me.
I felt as if I could predict every thing that was to come next and I was already beginning to feel dulled by it all.

How?!?

It was only the rare moments of complete solitude that nourished a feeling of authentic life in me. 
Riding fast and freely through the Danish county side with not another human in sight. 
Or the dirt path through cow pastures along side a lake at sunset. 
Or when I independently discovered the most delicious yogurt in the last bakery we met in Denmark. 

Maybe I should have gone on alone but in the end I was too afraid and too exhausted. With the unknown and the language barriers closing in around me. Real and imagined.

I have great love for these travel companions I chose. And I once thought the whole thing a very wise choice. But experience has taught me otherwise. This was not our trip. It was their family adventure and my independent soul seeking journey. Maybe if I were in a very different phase of life or if I hadn't already set an intention for a specific kind of individual growth, things would have worked out differently. In the end it wasn't my summer for Europe. I should be more sad about that part but I know future opportunities will be made more available to me because of this experience and I will be more informed in my decision making.

As I left for Europe originally I was thoroughly and completely relieved to have a good 3 months of freedom from the things that pull at my mind continually. Things like "I should more aggressively pursue success in my career." " I should probably date someone and rid myself of the constant fear and sabotage of real relationships"...I was relieved to have an excuse not to date or massage anyone for a good period of time. 

But now, here I am. In Florida,  Desperately praying for direction again. I thought I'd been let off the hook for at least another few months. But God and I don't like to pass up opportunities for growth. We'll see what happens.

Ps my travels from Lubeck to Hamburg to Dusseldorf to Miami were beyond interesting and a little frightening and quite funny.

I recently found an old list of reasons I'd like to be more like my baby sister:

She is the "queen master of hula hooping", talks the cats through guided meditations, fills her crystals with happy thoughts and sings her bedtime prayers.

I'd like to add that she whips up her own polenta porridge for breakfast most mornings, has the most outrageous dance moves and the kindest heart of any girl child I know.

We have sleepovers more nights than not. I'm almost certain I'll come home at the end of the summer and be roomless. Every time I leave for a weekend I receive texts from my mom's phone asking if she can start moving her belongings in to replace my own. I assume these texts aren't actually from my mother.

I already miss her the most.

"How did you sleep, Dolly?" *Thumbs up*